I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
