So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
