Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
