The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
