I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You made out with two different species that night
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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