Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
