Apparently you make a good broom.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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