So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
