i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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