I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
