a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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