I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
