i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
