someone threw a dead crab at me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
