Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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