no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
