I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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