She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
