i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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