I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
