Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
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Drunk walkin through police station. America
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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