i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
The ass gains better be worth it
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