Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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