shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
