Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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