Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
