I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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