Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
