A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
