me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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