i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
