The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
