dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
