We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
