OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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