She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
