Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
