porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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