Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
