who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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