someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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