dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
