I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
that is very illegal...i love you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
