bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
