I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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