just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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