life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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