What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
