I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
