One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
