i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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