dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
