every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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