I love black thongs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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