phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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