I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
