They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
