he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
MIDGETS
????
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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