So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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