the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
